I must’ve signed some cosmic slip,
A soul contract, a one-way trip.
“Earth’s Awakening! Come One Come All!
Answer now–the clarion call!”

“A once-in-a-lifetime ride!” they said.
Forgot to mention: existential dread!
But now that I am here
Thank the gods for fresh brewed beer!

They proclaimed it’s an honor—
A dare wrapped in cosmic glamour.
A grand hyped-up cosmic feat
Now with overpriced meat.

Capitalism is promptly crumbling,
While our fading sanity keeps tumbling.
As the rich miserly hoard their gold,
We fight fast against their hold.

Aliens? War? Or dystopian kings?
Pick your apocalypse—we’ve got all the things!
Wars and greed, the end times parade,
A dystopian dream: we “must” obey!

“Hold the light!”, they shrewdly profess.
“Don’t forget! Trust the process!”
This timeline is hanging by a thread,
And my inner flashlight is freaking dead.

Did I pick hard mode? Was this some mistake?
Or did I just yeet into Earth half-awake?
But here we stand, in chaos and flame,
Watching the system collapse in shame.

I asked for a refund, I pleaded my case,
They stamped it “DENIED” and laughed in my face.
“No take-backs, no refunds, no switching your fate—
Enjoy the apocalypse! You’re doing great!”

And maybe—just maybe—this mess is the spark,
To light up our path out of this dark.
So fine, I’ll stay. But I swear when we’re through,
I’m choosing a timeline with beaches and brews.

No billionaires, no dystopian dread—
Just peace, good vibes, and fresh-baked bread.